Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops

Now you may have been wondering to yourselves, where have they gone? Why hasn't this blog been updated in months? Where'd that wet spot on the floor come from? Etc, etc.

Well, let's just put it this way (to the first two questions anyways) have you ever tried to fix a fifteen year old 28k modem without the proper tools or any idea what you're doing?

No?

Then shut up.

Here's the latest from Uncle Harold's collection, the 1961 "epic" Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops starring some muscle bound Americans who can't act and a bunch of Italians so poorly dubbed that even if they were the local Marlon Brando we wouldn't have a clue.

Enjoy!

Here it is... All of them.

"The Invisible Ghost" with Bela Lugosi.



"Yongary: Monster From the Deep:" with Yongary the Monster.



"Laser Mission" with Brandon Lee & Ernest Borgnine



"Warriors of the Wasteland" with Fred Williamson

Comments

Hi. You know, sitting in the basement all day we get a tad depressed, and sometimes the comments on the youtube videos we upload for you folks makes me happy. Like this one on part one of "Laser Mission" by zombiediner:

your an asshole, for talking in the backround.
and your not funny, at all, you suck, for talking alot, i mean STFU !! who the fuck cares if your in a basement. thanks asshole, for ruining a great film.


Oh.

That was complementary at all.

Now we're depressed.

Ennui...

Something happens when you live in a basement without any chance of escape or hope of leaving... It's a certain...

Lethargy. Boredom. Ennui. What have you. It's not that there's not things to do down here, we've got the internet, slow as it is, and of course Uncle Harold's movie collection. But, when you haven't seen the sun for two years, and time is meaningless, you just...

What was I saying? Right.

Well, here's our latest upload for you guys. "The Invisible Ghost" starring Bela Lugosi as a guy who's neither invisible, nor a ghost.

He sure does love to strangle people though...


Sigh...

It's Been a Week...

And nothing has changed here in the basement. It's a little bit warmer. The calender (from 1995) says it's probably April by now, unless they've changed the calender system in the last two years... You know, when we've been trapped in this basement.

Anyways, we're working on the next movie, but problems with our 28.8k modem and P90 processor, and some basic incompatibilities with Windows 95 are giving us a fit.

So in the meantime, here's more clips from "Yongary - Monster From the Deep" which now, with 100% more Yongary.

April Fools!

As seems to be an internet tradition... It's an April Fools day joke. So uh...

Hmm.... Yes. We're NOT trapped in a basement with nothing to do but watch public domain movies. Such a thing is ludicrous. It could never happen. Certainly not to us. We've never been forced to make a crude pee-recyling devise like in waterworld when the water stopped working for a month down here. Nope. That's just a joke.

A sad... Cruel joke played on us by the world.

Sigh...

Parts one and three of "Yongary - Monster From the Deep" follow. APRIL FOOLS! It's really one and TWO! Haha.

Yongary and More!

Alright, it's time now to introduce our next movie starring the biggest, bestest, most fantastic giant lizard kaiju monster movie ever!



No, not him.



No not him either.



Who the heck is that?



He's not even a lizard, you're not even trying to stick with the spirit of this any more, are you?



Now that's just mean... Anyways. This is Yongary! Korea's answer to all of the above, (save for Mr. Borgnine, he speaks for him self). In this prototypical giant monster movie, Yongary, a legendary (or so they say) creature is awakened when nuclear tests blah, blah... Destroys city... Little kid befriends him.... Dances like he's on "Laugh-In" etc, etc...

So here it is, the feature length version of the Public Domain Basement's version of "Yongary - Monster From the Deep," followed by links to our previous movies, "Laser MIssion" and "Warriors of the Wasteland."



"Laser Mission" 1990 Spy movie w/Brandon Lee and Ernest Borgnine.



"Warriors of the Wasteland" 1982 post apocalyptic movie w/Fred "the Hammer" Williamson & George Eastman

Youtube Clips

Alright, now it's time for those of you who like watching these in 10 minute increments cause you don't have the time or attention span to watch the feature...

But first. A quick discussion.

Who would win in a fight? Fred, "the Hammer" Williamson (star of today's feature) or blaxploitation/kung-fu star Jim Kelly?



Okay, so lets match them up first.

Builds: The Hammer's got one inch (in height pervos) on Mr. Kelly, so you'd think that would give him an advantage. But I saw Kareem Abdul Jabar fight, and his height just made him look like Dhalsim, advantage Kelly.

Collective Numbers in "Three the Hard Way": Two way tie, which goes to the runner, Jim Brown.

Toughest Opponent: In "Black Belt Jones" Jim Kelly goes against like, 600 guys on a train and beats them all. Meanwhile, "the Hammer" did a season of Monday Night Football. Howard Cosell > 600 Guys. Advantage, Hammer.

Silliest Title in Filmography: Hammer's "Poultyguist: Night of the Chicken Dead" vs Black Belt's "Mr. No Legs." Advantage: the American public.

Interceptions: Hammer had a career 36. Jim Kelly once snagged a ham sandwich from Joe Don Baker on the set of "Golden Needles." Advantage, Hammer.


Your winner: "The Hammer"

Now onto the clips, first (logically) are clips one and two. Both of which are, sadly, Fredless.

Warriors of the Wasteland

Here it is, our next Public Domain Basement work, "Warriors of the Wasteland" starring Fred "the Hammer" Williamson, bad dubbing, lots of slow car chases, an annoying kid, exploding heads and... Male buggery. Yeah, those squeamish sorts might want to cut out on that scene.

Anywho... Here goes.

Coming Soon...

The thrilling conclusion....

And now... The thrilling conclusion of "Laser Mission".



Oh yes and, btw, if you happen to be anywhere near 900 Dragon Lane, please let us out. Aunt Ethel really needs to take out the trash and the smell is starting to leak down into our already crowded and smelly living space.

Seriously. What can that old woman eat?

Ernest Borgnine says hello.

This post 100% Ernest approved.

Here goes, nearing the end now. Parts seven and eight of "Laser Mission" with the man himself, Ernest Borgnine.



Seven.




What'd you think McHale?




Thought so. Eight.

Uh...

Okay. So yeah. Parts 7, 8 and 9 of "Laser Mission," for those of you not willing to watch the whole thing on Google video and instead watching the ten minute or so clips on YouTube, are... Well. Not working. I could upload them right now, but well, unless you're a big, big fan of bad sound sync, I think you're out of luck.

Sigh.

Well, given that, I will instead give you a preview of the next great movie in Uncle Harold's collection... But I'll keep the title secret for now. Here's a hint.



Oh, and hey, if you're anywhere near 78998 Nadir St, please please let us out. It's quite smelly down here.

Parts 5 and 6 of "Laser Mission"

For those of you new to this, these are parts 5 and 6 of "Laser Mission" the fantastic public domain spy thriller we, the two basement dwellers (literally) that run this blog decided to share with you, the internet viewing public.

Unfortuantly, due to a technical glitch with my late Uncle Harold's 486 we use, you can hear us talking over it, but I hope it's not too much of a distraction. Think of it as a director's commentary track on a DVD. Only you know, without any real insight, context, or usefulness.

Sorry about that. Anywho, here goes. Part 5, logically, first.



Now part six.

Parts 3 and 4 of "Laser Mission"

Here below are parts 3 and 4 of "Laser Mission" the 1990 Brandon Lee spy thriller we, the two basement dwellers, just fell in love with. The movie's just darling.

But there is one.... Confusing aspect to the whole thing. Where exactly the movie takes place. See, right when our hero, Michael Gold, arrives in this strange amalgam of a country, he is met with three rather conflicting things. First of all, there's a guy with a vague European accent behind the counter, and a guy with an African accent.

Okay, you may be thinking to yourself. It must be South Africa, with its odd mix of Europeans and Africans. But no! Mr. Gold throws us a curve! He asks for Cuban Cigars. A strange thing to ask in an Eastern European infested African country...and this is not commented on as such by the menagery of accents behind the counter. And later, he pretends to be Cuban and meets a group of incompetent Cuban soldiers. Making the mystery even deeper.

All of which leaves me with only one conclusion. The only place centrally located between Cuba, Africa and Europe. It can only be that the entire Laser Mission film takes place on ATLANTIS!



Ahem. Anywho, part 4 of "Laser Mission"



And now, part 5, midway through the fun.

w/o comment

Offered without comment. But, with part two and three of "Laser Mission"



Part 2.



And Part 3.

The Internet

So here's the deal. We've been stuck in this basement now for about two years. Yeah. Two, years.

And during that time we've been stuck here we've been trying to use the only means of communication we have with the outside world, Uncle Harold's old 486 to get us some help to no success.

Why? I think it's because in all our many online screams for help we forgot the number one thing to getting attention on the internet. Doing the exact same thing as everybody else.

With that in mind. Here's this. Please, listen to its message.



And to keep with the "new" internet theme. Here's the first of 10 parts of "Laser Mission" with us talking over it (Sorry!) in shorter, YouTube form in case you don't have an hour and a half to kill.

Laser Mission 1990

Hi there! It's Zach again. *AHEM* HELP US! HELP US! HEEEEEEELP! Please. Get us out here. We're bored and the toilet doesn't work too well. If you're anywhere near 1200 Mendoza Street please come and get us out... Only make sure it's not on Tuesday nights, that's when our elderly Great Aunt Esther has her bridge night. And you do. Not. Want. To. Mess. With. Her. Bridge. Night.

Trust me.

Anyways, below I have embedded the a link to a video of the 1990 spy thriller "Laser Mission" starring the late Brandon Lee, and the still on-time Ernest Borgnine. It's really good and I wonder why they didn't make it into a series.

Oh. Right. Throughout the movie, you might hear me and my best buddy Bryan talking over the movie. Sorry about that, but the limits of Uncle Earl's technology kinda make it really hard to do it any other way and we just can't help commenting sometime.

Oh, and you can really help us out by commenting and telling us what you think. It gives comfort on those long, lonely trapped-in-the-basement nights we've all had.

Laser Mission Statement

Hello? Can anybody hear us?

Wait, this is text. Can anybody read us?

You can? Good.

Where was I? Oh yeah. HELP US! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPP!

I suppose that needs a little explanation, doesn't it? Hi, my name is Zach. Sitting behind me, ever behind me, is my buddy Bryan. He says hello. Anyways, we've been trapped in our old, elderly, infirm Great Aunt Esther's basement now for weeks because she's too feeble to open the lock on the other side.

Our only contact with the outside world is through our late Uncle Earl's 486 and it's incredibly fast 28.8k modem. And as our only contact through the outside world, we'd figure we'd use it to ask you for, huh, what was taht again? Oh yeah. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP!

Seriously, there's only so many fruitcakes and cans of baked beans one can eat.

In the meanwhile, we've decided to share with you, the internet viewing public, Uncle Earl's incredible Public Domain movie collection. I must warn you however, that the connection is really slow, and our equipment quite bad and old, so don't be surprised if you hear us talking over the movie, sorry about that. I hope it's not too much of a distraction, but these movies are quite great little gems.

Well, enjoy the movie, and if you're ever near 616 Watcher Street, please, please, please come and help us. Make sure to knock on the door real loud cause Aunt Esther can't hear too good.